I hate Saturday night

I hate coming home after work on Saturday nights. There's never anything good on TV to fall asleep to. Sure, there's SNL, but it seems about as terrible as it has been for the past 15 years or so. Every time I watch it, I swear, all they do is pretend to be foreigners and that's the entire premise of the sketch. "Wouldn't it be funny if we re-did the Office in fake Japanese?" No, it wouldn't.

[adult swim] doesn't fare much better since Saturday is anime night. I hate 98% of all anime, so...

I guess I've got Season 3 of Weeds to watch, but I'm not really in the mood. And yes, TVersity is amazing, but I can't think of anything to download and watch with it. I've already watched all of the Revision3 shows that I watch (which is most of them: Diggnation, The Totally Rad Show, Pop Siren, iFanboy, Tekzilla) and I've already watched the 1UP show for this week.

I guess I could keep watching Top Gear on YouTube, but the point is I want to watch TV for about an hour and then fall asleep to it (I need some white noise to get me to sleep). So I've got nothing.

Moving on to another topic, I watched The Onion Movie the other night. I was fairly surprised. If you like the humor of Airplane and The Naked Gun, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. It's also reminiscent of the Kentucky Fried Movie minus the gratuitous nudity. It's not great by any means, but it managed to make me laugh aloud quite a few times, which is something Semi-Pro failed to do. Miserably.

Clap on! Clap off!

This was on digg. Turn your fertility on and off with a button. Holy crap. How do you really respond to that? It's funny, it's interesting, and damn if I wouldn't consider it.

Just think of the pain that could have been prevented for Michael Scott. You have no idea the physical toll that three vasectomies have on a person.

Imagine, though, when the time comes to turn it on. It'll be worse than trying to find your TV remote.

Viva Bearonica

I love you, Patrick Norton and Veronica Belmont. Thanks to you and the rest of Tekzilla, I'm now able to play audio/video files off of my computer and on my 360 without having a Media Center PC or Vista or any such bologna.

I love you too, TVersity, for making the software that makes all of this possible.

It took a bit of effort (it's actually pretty easy with one of these guides and when you remember to put an exception in your firewall for TVersity), and my machine isn't quite up to snuff for streaming HD content (off the hard drive is fine), but I must say that I'm impressed. Now knowing that I can watch The Totally Rad Show, Diggnation, Tekzilla and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on my lovely TV instead of my computer, my life is so much richer.

So take that Microsoft! Don't need your silly Media Center after all!

Seriously, that's one of the cutest things I've ever seen. Sorry, couldn't resist.

[Edit: Here's a pro tip: When adding video, click the advanced tab and click "Never" under transcoding, makes things MUCH faster]

Disturbing Practices

I just found this interesting read on the MTV Multiplayer blog. It seems that publishers withhold developer royalties if a game does not achieve a desirable Metacritic score. Frankly, it's disgusting.

This quote from Jeff Gerstmann summarizes it:
"I’ve gotten e-mails from developers over the years who have said, 'I don’t think you realize what you’re doing to me with this review' because my review knocked them out of the range of some bonus that they were up for," Gerstmann said. "That’s something that really troubles me… When I’m sitting down to write a review I’m never setting out to think: 'I am taking food off this guy’s table.'"

This comes in light of the Grand Theft Auto IV voice actor controversy. The guy who voiced Nico "only" got a hundred grand and felt a bit cheated when he saw that the game was breaking sales records. Maybe he does deserve a bit of royalties for making an annoying voice (and he'll probably get some more if they haven't already recorded voice work for the upcoming DLC), but as this was discussed on 1UP Yours, this will also make game development costs go up.

Now, I don't know how luxurious the lifestyles of David Hayter (Solid Snake) or James Arnold Taylor (Ratchet, Tidus) are -- hell, even Charles Martinet (Mario) probably gets paid pretty well for making a few silly remarks that are repeated ad nauseum because Nintendo doesn't want to evolve narrative in their games -- but are voices really that important in games?

I say yes, to a point. I wouldn't want Snake voiced by anyone else, but I think it's also a stupid practice for studios to shell out big bucks for "big name" voice actors hoping that that'll possibly entice people to play their games. We see how well that works when licensed games are put out with Tobey McGuire sounding like he's about to nod off from heroin. The opposite is also true, however, when we hear the developers themselves try to voice the characters. It might have been charming in the day to hear Bill Roper scream "Zug-zug!" when you where playing WarCraft, but now that idea is pretty silly (although there is a place for it in certain games, I'm sure). I'm also totally against the idea of games going "silent" again. How much of Bioshock's impact would be lost if you only read a text bubble that said "Would you kindly?"

I don't have any ideas for how to make games less expensive. How could I? I only play the things. I've no real idea of what it takes to make them, but I do know that it's only fair to give people their fair share, especially when you're making money hand over fist.

Jake and Amir - Instant Messages

Overlooked Classic Rock Songs #1

Electric Light Orchestra - Turn To Stone:


Electric Light Orchestra - Strange Magic:


I don't know. Maybe this'll be a semi-regular feature or I'll just slop some stuff together whenever the mood strikes.

Small observation

I just finished watching Semi-Pro, and besides not laughing at all, I took away something else from the boring film: the 1970s produced possibly the most depressing color palette ever. Oranges and browns in that all-too-cheap way that only the '70s could deliver? It's like smothering your soul with a wet blanket that smells of mice while starving puppies yip outside of your door.

But then I also rented the third season of Weeds, so at least I had that to cheer me up afterward. I think it's the worst/most outrageous of the three seasons and the fourth should be the last of it (for posterity's sake), but I still enjoy the show immensely. That Celia Hodes... I hate her so much. But man, Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) is such a MILF.

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky,
Little boxes, little boxes,
Little boxes, all the same
There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they're all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same

Swedish Erotica

I had no idea that the Atari 2600 was the home of probably the smuttiest and most vile games ever made. Observe:

I was aware of Custer's Revenge, sure (it's probably the most racist and objectionable game ever created), but I had no idea that there where games about jacking off from the top of a roof and having two naked sluts drink it up. I dunno, maybe some of you just call that "Friday night", but come on (no pun intended)! Just thinking about the possibilty that some perv actually purchased these and masturbated to them... It's insane.

I got a chuckle out of Hot Coffee, sure. It was laughable seeing an unfinished CJ thrust about. Raining penises in Second Life? Also funny. The scene where the blue chick in Mass Effect practically forces herself on you? Hilarious. But the moment that games based on graphic sexual acts come back and have a market, that'll be a sad day (thankfully, Nintendo, Microsoft and Sony practically outlaw AO rated games). It'll also be the day when the only restaurant left will be Taco Bell. Just like in Demolition Man. Don't you know what the three seashells are for?

Henry Jones Jr.

With all the talk of the now-released Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, a couple of outlets endeavored to reminisce about long forgotten games in the Indiana Jones library. First, there's 1UP's Retronuats, hosted, as always, by the splendid Jeremy Parish. Secondly, there's the Angry Video Game Nerd (formerly the Angry Nintendo Nerd).


Now, I'm not especially fond of his exuberance for buffalo diarrhea (nor his hideously long intro sequences), but the thing I like about the Angry Video Game Nerd is the sense of nostalgia he brings with him. I see the Nintendo Power posters plastered all over his wall and I remember the ones I once had on my wall as well (although, I was 10 years old at the time). Then there's the Ghostbusters episodes in which I remembered toys that I hadn't seen for ages (I too, remember how lame the PKE meter was). And really, there's hardly much else I enjoy more than nostalgia.

Anyway, the take away is this: I will never play an Indiana Jones game except in SCUMM or LEGO form. I think you'd be well off to remember that as well... Although I did beat Wayne's World for the NES once. Sometimes forcing yourself to play bad NES games can produce a modicum of hilarity (although it mostly results in frustration).

I feel betrayed

I bought a 32" Sony XBR4 HDTV a couple of months ago. I am fully in love with it and all, but now I'm feeling a bit of regret after seeing that Sony's new XBR6 model not only sports a 1920x1080 resolution (which is negligible at that size), but it's also about $200 less than what I paid for mine!

Ugh... Technology. You're terrible and great at the same time. I wonder if Circuit City has some sort of trade in deal?

Well, I feel sort of safe getting a MGS4 PS3 though. They may be the last PS3s to offer PS2 backwards compatibility!

As a matter of fact, I'm NOT going to go your way

The first Guitar Hero World Tour trailer came out recently:


It only shows a bunch of silly young people playing plastic instruments. Now with drums and mic! ... Just like Rock Band. The Rock Band drumkit is already way too big, so there's no way I'm going to fit another one into my room (nor do I want to spend another $170 on more plastic instruments!). And let's look at the way Neversoft/Activision treated Guitar Hero III; they practically ignored DLC and they invented the most horrid thing on earth: boss battles. I've already lost my confidence in further Guitar Hero titles, not to mention the fact that they thought an Aerosmith edition would be cool.

Then let's look at other things that Guitar Hero III did wrong. First, it was blatantly misogynistic with it's dancing trollops (you try not feeling ashamed playing a game with your mom when she sees gyrating whores on some fictional stage). Second, it thought that Brett Michaels was a "rock star" (in his day, to be sure, but now he's just another one of VH1's embarrassing celebrity attention whores). Third, the characters where stylistically and aesthetically appalling. In Rock Band, it's quite nice not having to see the same people over and over.

And let's face facts. Rock Band is just cooler. I mean, next week they're releasing The Cars' first album for fuck's sake! How fantastic is that? They have consistently released new songs every week since inception and have remembered that the fun in these games is playing songs that you love, not battling some asshole on guitar with random elements thrown in to make sure you fail. You're supposed to imagine yourself being a rock star while having fun with your friends, you're not supposed to remember that you're playing a fucking videogame.

My allegiance is already sworn, all hail Rock Band!

Impressive... Most impressive

Found on Boing Boing: Darth Vader made with nothing but a font:

Quick Prince Caspian Impressions

I don't really know what to say of my expectations going into Prince Caspian. On one hand, I thought The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe was decent, but far from great. I had heard that Prince Caspian was superior, but I didn't know if the persons who said these things where referring to elements from the first that I had not admired, which now may be wholly exaggerated.

Instead, I'm glad to report that things that I didn't care for in the first (insufferable child acting, Biblical allusions and allegories, poor looking CG) are largely missing from this installment. I did enjoy the movie far more because of this, however, I'm not sure if repeat viewings will hold this true. Why? Well, it's mostly because a large part of the movie is a tremendous battle scene. This was true for the Lord of the Rings as well. Sure, the battle at Helm's Deep or the epic showdown at the end of Return of the King where impressive the first time, but after that I found them to be pretty intolerable. It's gripping at first, but then you realize "Hey! This is just eye candy and padding! Get on with it already!"

Watching the Lord of the Rings is still very pleasurable for me though. While I could certainly live with some editing, it's the character arcs and engrossing fantasy world that are redeeming for them. With Prince Caspian though, I feel as if most of the story is the confrontation and the battling. So, if that's all taken out, what's there to be had aside from that? What will keep me entertained and prevent me from asking "Can we just get to the point?"

What's odd though, is that Prince Caspian didn't feel like a two and a half hour movie. I'm fully against the trend of making movies over two hours long so that they appear more "epic" or what have you. So I'm curios, will this movie hold up to repeat viewings because of the reasons that I've mentioned? Will it now drag on and be unwatchable?

I cannot speak for what further viewings will hold for the movie, nevertheless, I fully enjoyed the movie the first time around. I do so miss Mister Tumnus, yet, in Prince Caspian, we are granted the presence of Reepicheep, the talking mouse who was my favorite character when I read the books as a child. So here's to hoping that the Voyage of the Dawn Treader is even better (and that Reepicheep is a more fully realized character).

10 Things That Suck About GTA IV and Other Thoughts

Saw this on digg: Someone shares my same opinion of Grand Theft Auto IV, apparently. They also take many of my complaints from earlier and argue them in a more formal (and ultimately superior) way.

Here's a bullet list of their 10 subjects:
1. Money Has No Value
2. Multiplayer
3. Ponderous Story
4. No Upwards Mobility
5. A Step Back From Previous Versions
6. Wonky Cover System
7. Dopey Mini-Games
8. Relationships Are Idiotic
9. Clothing Interface
10. Phantom Traffic

If San Andreas or Vice City had the same graphical appeal and fantastically designed cityscapes that IV has, I submit that they would be better games than GTA IV on every level. GTA IV has far more in common with GTA III in it's sparseness, but even then, I had far more fun just randomly playing GTA III than I ever did with any moment in GTA IV.

Of course, it is still a fantastic game that had a lot of care put into it, but even if it came out last year as it is now, I would still say that I had far better experiences with Bioshock, Orange Box (specifically Portal), and Rock Band.

As far as gameplay goes, GTA IV's big problem is the absence of all those things that where introduced in Vice City and San Andreas (see bullet point #5). Insomuch as these features are missing, a large portion of fun is absent from the latest GTA installment. I mean, congratulations, Rockstar, on making a wonderful urban city, but what's there to do inside of it?

Then, speaking of the story, I cannot connect with Nico on any level. He'll do anything for money or potential information on two men from his past. It's disgusting, really. How am I to have compassion for him? I felt a little something at the very end of the game, but then it's soon over and all I can really do with the game after that is try to evade the police or hunt pigeons (for a supremely useless reward, by the way).

In San Andreas, I was sure that I would hate the character of CJ. At first he was just a stereotypical "gangsta thug", but then as the story developed, I really became enamored with his character arc (no matter how ludicrous it was at points). The story had graduated from something akin to CB4 minus the satire to something more empathetic like Boyz N The Hood. Then it took the narrative even farther when CJ ventured from the country hills to the streets of San Fierro to the desert city of Los Venturas.

I can understand Rockstar not wanting to have Nico do ridiculous things like going into an Area 51-inspired level to steal a jetpack, but then they ended up making GTA IV's story too straight and uninspired. It's the American Dream, I get it. That's not interesting to me (at least the manner in which it was done here). A game that does do a far more successful version of a more "serious" narrative is Bioshock. With Bioshock, you could find story everywhere just by looking at architecture and propaganda papers littered throughout the levels. Then, of course, there where the wonderful audio journals which revealed the greater story arc by satisfying your curiosity in regards to what had happened in this failed utopia.

With Nico, you think there's something that might be there, but when you get more information on what happened to him in his past, it's not especially poignant. Largely it's due to the disconnect between the story and the mission structure. You have someone who supposedly has some moral fiber and has seen some horrendous things, then he's going around chasing people down and killing them for money. He's better than all these scumbags he's dealing with how exactly? [This point was also brought up by Shawn Elliot on GFW Radio.]

I think a more interesting option for Rockstar in the future is to have the main character be a man (or woman) out for social equity by cleaning up the streets with their brand of renegade justice. It's not terribly original at all (see: Walking Tall), but even that small twist would give the game some fresh avenues to venture into instead of the same tired Godfather-isms that we've been subject to far too many times before.

That, or Rockstar can choose to make GTA fun again. It is, after all, just a game. It's satire is what makes it fun. If it was completely serious, it would be a very creepy and disturbing game indeed.

No hyperbole

This is one of the most amazing pieces of art I've ever seen:

MUTO a wall-painted animation by BLU from blu on Vimeo.

I've always admired things like these and the works of Banksy.

I also suggest that you listen to the Spinto Band's Oh Mandy or DJ Sunderland's mashup Supermassive Mandy while watching this. It worked for me.

A melange

First, this interesting article on the US's poor performance in regards to broadband penetration and speed in reference to other countries and why they do it better. Ars Technica is always on the ball with these articles. Props.

Second, I really want to buy My French Coach for the DS. I mean, I'm already sexy, so why not up the ante by complementing my salacious good looks with the romance language as my implement for sowing my wild oates? (It's also a constructive use of my time and something else to put in my DS.)

And finally, a PSA by Christopher Mintz-Plasse on DVD piracy:

Gears of War 2 gameplay footage

I had no idea that gameplay footage was being shown this early until I logged onto Xbox Live last night:


It's nice to see some blue sky. For some reason the footage reminds me of Act 5 in Diablo II: Lord of Destruction. Maybe it has to do with the mountainscape and the hordes of enemies, I don't know. I guess you can also see some of the new effects they announced for the Unreal Engine a few months ago at GDC, such as the larger crowd sizes and better dynamic lighting. Still no meat cubes though.

The illusion of freedom

After failing the Out of Commission mission for about the sixth time, I have to voice a huge complaint I have against Grand Theft Auto IV: You can no longer improvise and take on a mission how you see fit. Instead, you're practically forced to do things the way Rockstar wants you to. Sometimes you get lucky and you can do things in unique and clever ways, but it's all based on chance. ("Chance" being, "I sure hope the game engine remembers that I parked that car there.")

This will happen quite often: You're forced to chase a guy and you fire everything you have at him and he remains unscathed. Not even a FUCKING ROCKET will kill the bastard. Instead, you have to keep chasing the miscreant until Rockstar decides you're at a point where you can kill him for real. What? That's realistic, all right.

I remember in the PS2 days, you could take a bunch of cars and make a barricade so that the guy you where chasing would run into it and you could then start to shoot the proverbial fish in a barrel. Not so anymore -- now the cars disappear. Do the mission the way Rockstar wants you to. Do not think. Do not deviate. Do as they say, or else.

That's one thing, here's another: Why aren't there checkpoints in these games? Why do I have to sit through a 5 minute chase scene again and again so I can get to the mission proper? This is boring and provides no real challenge, so just get to the point already!

I'm at a place now where I don't want to pick up the game for a while. Even if I did, there'd be no way to just mess around, because whenever I load up my last save, I get a phone call and the final mission is started for me, whether I like it or not.

The latest edition of the 1UP Yours podcast addresses other issues I have, but surprisingly (or not so surprisingly, given the nature of the show) the GFW Radio podcast gives even bigger reasons why the game is so infuriating at times.

If you care to reminisce about the good ol' days of Grand Theft Auto, might I suggest this lovely Retronuats podcast? [Note: I do not work for 1UP or Ziff Davis, I merely enjoy their programming and their honest and intelligent style] One thing I found especially poignant was that GTA III was essentially "broken" in many ways, but this allowed you tackle missions in a variety of ways. And you know what? Rockstar didn't care, because that's part of what made it so fun. I really miss that aspect in IV.

American Superbad

What do you get when you combine the business card scene from American Psycho with the dick drawings scene from Superbad?

Dick jokes. The staple in any guy's comedy diet.

And just for the fuck of it, my favorite scene from American Psycho:

Ludwig von Koopa would be proud

Found this on Kotaku via GAF: an 11 minute "plays by itself" level created for Super Mario World. I've seen these before and they're all pretty neat as they create Rube Goldberg machines using the Super Mario World assets, but this one actually has the sound effects syncing up with the accompanying music (most of the time, some attempts fall flat). It's all pretty neat, although the music is done in an all-too-cute techno style. I hear Dr. Wily's theme from Mega Man 2, the Dragon Quest main theme and the Super Mario World theme itself. The rest I don't recognize.

I'd embed it right here, but Kotaku isn't giving me an embed link, so you're just going to have to go there.

Here's another one though to give you an idea of the Rube Goldberg aspect (this one, I believe was only in the Japanese release and inspired all the level editors to make their own):

Cracked's 7 Commandments of Videogames

Cracked came up with a list of things that should be common knowledge, but for some arcane reason, they aren't. So here's a big "fuck you" to game designers, programmers, etc. that just don't get it. This has all been talked about before. In fact, I'd say that the topics they've brought up have been beaten to death. How, then, is this shit still happening? I guess we just have to keep spawning lists like this until the problems cease to exist. However, what we really need to do is translate these into Japanese and let our grievances be known to those stubborn mules across the ocean.

There's funny stuff like this which I don't mind too much though:

"Gordon, the whole world has been taken over by a race of malevolent aliens. All of humanity is depending on you. Here's a goddamned crowbar."

To bespawl the great

As is the case with damn near everyone, I've been playing Grand Theft Auto IV. Now, instead of indulging it with the various praises (which it largely deserves), I'd like to point out some things that are missing from past games or things that just piss me off.

1) Fuck the police
Causing wanton destruction and disorder and then seeing how long you can outrun the law has always been a staple of the requisite "fun factor" for GTA. The latest edition to the franchise, however, seems to have a little trouble with this. Evading the police and actually living to see another day -- you know, actually having a chance of walking away from the scorched earth you tread upon? That's the part that's missing. Now you have to get outside a large, red circle on the map that indicates the police's "cone of vision" (to steal a phrase from Metal Gear Solid). This can be ridiculously difficult -- a paltry three stars now gives an actual challenge as the field from which you must escape is so vast. There are no more police bribes and Pay-N-Sprays are few and far between so your only choice is to run like hell.

2) They took our jerbs!
Another great thing that's missing from GTA IV is property. Now you only have a few safe houses that are given to you through the course of the storyline. That's bad enough not being able to just drive to a nearby savepoint (although, to be fair, you could fast travel in a cab to get to a safe house) and store all your sweet cars, but the other thing that's missing is the entrepreneurial spirit. In other words, forget about your dreams of having a car lot or ice cream shop where you can make additional revenue. That's gone. There's no pimping, no firetruck or paramedic missions, no pizza delivering. Nothing. All that small stuff that amounted to a lot of fun is missing, all in favor of providing a more "real experience." Not that that matters because now...

3) Money don't mean shit
What can you use your money for anyway? You can buy some clothes and build up your arsenal a bit. That's it. You don't have any houses to buy. You can't go shopping on the internet (correct me if I'm wrong there). I haven't found anywhere where I can buy cars (I've stolen them, sure, but I don't see an option to then purchase them) and you can't gamble it away either. So what is the point?

You know, I was just thinking that a neat feature they could have put in would be radio contests. I'm sure you're familiar with the situation: "Be the tenth caller and receive $10,000 in cold, hard cash!" You've got a cell phone now, so this is possible, but what the hell is the purpose of getting all those ducats?

4) Silence is golden...
You know what's great? Looking for pigeons (the new hidden packages) and blasting them to pieces only to have to outrun the cops seconds later. If there's a police officer in the vicinity of gunfire (and of course there is, those bastards are always lurking somewhere unseen), you've got one star. There are 200 of these motherfuckers spread throughout the city. Thanks a lot, Rockstar, you fucking bastards. This wouldn't be so bad if I still had my silenced pistol from San Andreas or if I didn't have to kill these fucking avian menaces instead of just picking up some horseshoes or tiki statues.

(While we're on the subject of hidden packages, why are there no incremental rewards for finding them? And what use is a helicopter for finding all 200?)

5) Harder, better, faster, stronger
Another great feature that's missing? Making your character better. San Andreas introduced some light roleplaying elements where CJ would improve his driving or shooting skills amongst other things such as his physical attributes. It was fun actually seeing your skills improve so that you could be a better killing machine, physically dominate those around you, have a better chance of evading the police in your car or just be comforted in knowing that your character was intrinsically better. Now your character Nico is just a static character (in terms of abilities) with a silly accent that wears thin pretty quickly.

I've got other complaints, but the big take away is this: Rockstar thinks it's a better idea to make the game more "realistic" rather than letting players fuck around and have fun with the world they've created. I think they should get over themselves. It's a game. GTA is about having big, dumb fun with the city as your canvas. After all, it's plot is derived solely from mobster movies and it doesn't come anywhere close to any of them in terms of narrative. So, Rockstar, why so serious? If you wanted to create a more serious and realistic story that's interesting and memorable, I'm sorry to tell you that you've failed (at least in my eyes).

Unrelated bonus question: Could you help but look at the gorgeous cityscape Rockstar has created and not think about how fun it would be to leap from building to building collecting agility orbs as in Crackdown?

Well, that's my two cents.